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Back by popular demand (as always, the demand is to do this only once a year), it’s the 12th annual version of Holiday Tunes. The first 11 came as part of the Chicago Sun-Times Quick Hits column that I once wrote. For those who prefer, feel free to think of this as the first elliottharris.com “Songs of the Season” or whatever you’d like to call it.
Mariah Carey is among today's featured guests.
Because Christmas once again falls on Dec. 25 this year, the editorial staff at elliottharris.com thought (which is something of a rarity, no?) today would be as good as any to run some merry melodies. By doing so, you will have them for Christmas Eve gatherings, Christmas Day gatherings, Chanukah, etc. Once upon a time, the printed newspaper version also was suitable for holiday gift wrap. Think of this as an environmentally more friendly form of delivery.
So without further adieu, happy holidays (any and all) to you:
I’M DREAMING OF A JAY CUTLER
(sung to “White Christmas by Chicago Bears coach Lovie Smith, offensive coordinator Mike Martz and a chorus of fans)
I’m dreaming of a Jay Cutler,
Just like the one I used to know
Where the footballs whistle like big-time missles
And we love to see him throw.
I’m dreaming of a Jay Cutler,
QB play has been quite a blight.
May his thumb be healthy all right
And may this year disappear from sight.
GOSH DARN YOU, JERRY ANGELO
(to “God Bless Ye Merry Gentlemen by upset – is there any other kind? – Bears fans; amazingly, they are not profane)
Gosh darn you, Jerry Angelo,
Get ready to depart.
The team that you assembled
Was troubled from the start.
A lack of depth, oh, a team inept
Is what you sent our way
No tidings of comfort or joy
Comfort or joy.
Why are you still employed?
ALL I WANT FOR BEARS FANS
(to “All I Want for Christmas” by the McCaskey Family Chorale)
We don’t want a lot for Bears fans,
There’s just one thing we need
We don’t care about Lovie
Or his emphasis on speed
We just want the team to show
That it really cares, you know.
Win a game again
We’re so tired of losing’s pain.
DERRICK ROSE IS STAYING AROUND
(to “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” by John Paxson, Gar Forman and Tom Thibodeau)
You better watch out,
You better not cry
You sure better shout,
I’m telling you why:
Derrick Rose is staying around.
He’s getting big bucks
Those checks must be nice
Could be a bargain; even at that price.
Derrick Rose is staying in town.
MVP belongs to him,
That’s quite a nice award
But winning a championship
Is the goal he’s working toward.
He could win one soon,
You just never know
Shooting for the moon.
Oh, I don’t think so
Derrick Rose is staying around.
HE’S IN FLORIDA
(to “Feliz Navidad” by White Sox general manager Ken Williams and assorted team officials)
He’s in Florida.
He’s in Florida.
He’s in Florida.
Ozzie’s gone to Miami where he lives.
He’s in Florida.
He’s in Florida.
He’s in Florida.
Guillen’s gone to Miami where he lives.
Yes, Mark Buehrle’s going to pitch down there.
Ozzie wanted to manage the Marlins,
Mark wanted to go pitch for the Marlins
So they’re going to be with the Marlins
Get over it, all Sox fans.
CUBS OLD ACQUAINTANCES
(to “Auld Lang Syne” by the Bleacher Bums)
Should old acquaintance be forget
Is Theo out of his mind?
Farewell to A-Ram and Marshall
And others of their kind.
A roster shakeup, Cubbie fans,
A big shakeup indeed
Because that’s what Theo thinks
The franchise really needs.
OH, COME ALL YE HAWKS FANS
(to “Come All Ye Faithful” by with 300 Level fans forming a chorus)
Oh, come all you Hawks fans
Joyful and triumphant.
Oh, come ye, oh, come ye to the UC.
Come and behold them
They are so outstanding
Oh, come let us adore them
Oh, come let us adore them
Oh, come let us adore them
The Ice Crew.
ALBERT’S GONE
(to “Silent Night,” by mind-boggling combined chorus of Cardinals and Cubs fans – hey, it’s the holiday season, so we all can suspend belief for a little while, right?)
Albert’s gone. Say, “So long.”
Cards fans mourn, Cubs’ going strong.
He’s an Angel off to L.A.
Much to St. Louis fans’ dismay
He’s out of the league now.
Holy, holy cow!
Signed a big deal, numbers unreal.
Gave him 10 years; age prompted fears.
Worth the money? Tough to say.
$254 million? Please, no way.
He’s out of the league now.
Holy, holy cow!
TIM TEBOW
(also to “Silent Night” by a chorus of faithful followers – accompanied by a chorus of doubters — of the Denver Broncos quarterback)
Tim Tebow,
Sure can’t throw
But gains fame
Late in games.
Rallies Denver by teams like the Bears
After winning he looks upstairs.
Franchise savior is born
With just a wee bit of scorn.
Lacks some skills,
Still he thrills
Fans do cheer
And drink beer.
Denver’s stuck with Tim Tebow now
Long-term answer? Doubtful somehow.
Could win the AFC West?
Even if he’s not the best.
WAIT’LL
(The ever-popular classic, to ”Dreidel” by a Chicagoland chorus of pro sports teams’ fans)
We preach a little wait’ll,
Whenever our teams play;
And when they’re good and ready,
Then ”wait’ll,” we won’t say.
Wait’ll, wait’ll, wait’ll
Oh ”wait’ll’,’ we must say;
Wait’ll, wait’ll, wait’ll,
Next year is on the way.
Some bikini Christmas video, anyone? Why not!